Liezl's French 101

Today I attempted to brush up on my French on twitter, here are some helpful phrases:

• Je voudrais acheter un homme avec un grand saucisson et une paire de chaussures.
  I would like to buy a man with a big sausage and a pair of shoes.
   
• Tout va bien avec votre jambon? Il hume comme un voiler.
   Is your ham okay? It smells like a sailboat.
   
• je voudrais observer peinture du penis. Je peux payer dans les carottes.
   I would like to watch penis painting. I can pay in carrots.
   
• j'ai reserve une chambre pour moi et mon prostitue bel.
  I have reserved a room for me and my beautiful male prostitute.
   
• Je suis desole pour mon Francais terrible. Je ne comprend pas votre boules.
   I am sorry for my terrible French. I don’t understand your balls.

This French lesson has been brought to you in part by Long Beach City College and Earworms Rapid Learning: French, which actually helped me navigate Switzerland & Paris a couple years ago.